***NOTE: Pictures to come ASAPCC (As Soon As PC Cooperates), but I wanted to make sure the recipe was at least available in time for the after-church/while-everyone-else-is-in-church Masters Sunday grocery runs, lest you need to make one. That’s all.***

Never fear – I’ll be resuming and wrapping up the “I Went to the Beach and All I Got Was Sepsis” Series over the next several days. But a navel-gazing recap of my most recent pseduocripple adventures isn’t particularly time-sensitive (beyond some people waiting with baited breath for the next installment, and others waiting for the &!#$ thing to be over already)… Masters’ Weekend, however, is basically the best excuse ever to make and consume more pimento cheese than is probably in anyone’s best interest (for those of you more into putt-putt or disc golf than the PGA, that’s this weekend).

Do not be misled. I do not, in fact, care about sports. Any of them. At all. The closest I do come to caring is for a few days in March (one does not grow up in North Carolina without choosing an ACC allegiance at a young age, and holding fast to it regardless of subsequent life events) and golf. I like that it’s (relatively) classy. I like that it’s (comparatively) mental. I like that it is (generally) quiet. I like that it is played alone. I like the clothes. And I like that one can watch while napping.

Beyond that, I don’t care. I do, however, enjoy attending sporting events, but only for the atmosphere and the rare chance to scream in public…and also the food. True “sports people” associate a given sport, or team, with…I dunno, it’s players? or various stats and records? For me? San Francisco Giants – GARLIC FRIES! Superbowl – DELICIOUS FATTY THINGS! Charlotte Hornets – FROZEN LEMONADE AND BBQ SANDWICHES! Masters/Augusta – PIMENTO FREAKIN’ CHEESE SANDWICHES!

So I had to take advantage of the opportunity to whip some up, but everybody and their 13 browser tabs has a recipe for classic pimento cheese – and seriously, otherwise reserved little old church ladies will throw down over what to or not to include, and that is not a ring I’ll be throwing my bonnet in any time soon. So I started thinking about how to change it up a bit, got a little manic, and came up with the following variation that would make you slap your Grammy, if you weren’t running from her as she chases you down with a wooden spoon for the unforgivable sin of bastardizing her heirloom recipe with godforsaken yuppie additives like Gouda.

You’re Welcome.

Three Quick Notes:

1) On The Peppers: “Pimento” is in quotes because I use fire-roasted red peppers instead. (I also use them in my regular pimento cheese). Red peppers and Pimentos are not synonymous, y’all. Pimentos are legitimately a different breed of peppers, smaller and sweeter than red bell pepper, and usually with a little more heat (fun fact: pimento is the pepper used to make paprika). If I’m using fresh peppers, I don’t really have a super strong preference.

However, on your grocery shelves, the pimentos are chopped super, super fine, and are packed in a more vinegary brine, which only strengthens their more bitter edge. They’re also kind of slimy. Roasted Red Peppers, however, are usually packed in just a basic brine (maybe some added citric acid as a preservative), and are jarred whole – ideally still with a good bit of char on them. They’re sweeter, firmer, and have a smoky richness that the little pickled microcubes just don’t, in my opinion. Some people totally prefer the more biting, sour note the pimentos add – good on them. I could eat roasted red peppers straight from the jar so I definitely prefer them in my “normal” pimento cheese; but even if you’re a pimento-loyalist, I encourage you to give the RRP’s a shot here; the smoky edge from the roasting adds a pretty great complementary layer to the bacon and gouda.

But I won’t chase you down with a cooking implement if you go with the little jar instead.

2) The Goopy Part: I kind of hate mayo,  yes even Duke’s mayo, and I always have. The weird, gloppy, farty noises it makes when you stir it;  the gooey, gelatinous texture; the *heave* shelf-stable egg product. I have always loved pimento cheese, but could never make it myself – or even watch it being made – because then I saw the mayo, and then I couldn’t not taste the mayo. And I could tell by looking at the store-bought kind whether I’d like it or literally gag on it, because I could see how much mayo it had. So I’d buy the “just enough to hold it together kind”, then curse it and throw flatware as I (unsuccessfully) tried to spread the equivalent of dried fondant on a slice of sandwich bread, or broke my 17th chip in a row in a (failed) attempt to just eat the damn stuff at all.

How to combine the mayo-averse sensibilities of my palate with the spreadable creaminess it provides?

Homemade Mayo. Yep, it sounds crazy – both crazy as in, “what, are you going to make your own cheese, now, too?” needless overcomplication, and crazy as in, “so the random sum of ingredients is over half of your mayophobia, so you’re going to slowly and intentionally combine them yourself?”  Yep.

Fortunately, in recent years I’ve found that I generally can tolerate, and sometimes even like, aiolis. I know – they’re just fancy mayonnaise. But they’re generally runnier, more sparsely used, and almost always overpoweringly flavored with something other than fatty nothinginess. They’re also almost all entirely homemade, and therefore do not taste in the least of ingredients of which the sole purpose is to keep emulsified eggs shelf-stable. Take that other crap out, add the ability to DIY on the texture side of things (i.e., not pudding), and you’ve basically got yourself a cheeseless Caesar dressing.

That you are about to use to bind massive amounts of cheese. And that can be made in the time it takes to get the jarred kind opened the first time, anyway.

What’s not to love?

3) Come closer, I’m saving you some kcals, kid. I know, I know – some of you think it’s sacrilege to put cream cheese in your pimento cheese; mayo only, and Duke’s all the way. Hip Hip Who Cares. Others of you are now completely confused as to what I’m talking about and why it matters. Understood. But my recipe, my rules, and we’ve already jacked it up with “roasted peppers” and “homemade mayo” so what’s one more broken rule?

Instead of cream cheese, which I agree, when combined with mayo (jarred or homemade) can leave one with the “one french fry too many” film of fat and nausea on the roof of one’s mouth, we’re going to use Neufchatel. A lot of people think Neufchatel is bargain/cheapo cream cheese. Or worse, bargain/cheapo low-fat cream cheese. They are wrong. ish.

Neufchatel is your new best creamy cheesy friend. It’s not reduced fat cream cheese, which is literally normal cream cheese with milkfat taken out and everything else left in equal proportion with some water added. Blugh. It’s a different cheese altogether, made with milk and cream instead of just cream. So for those of you who remember analogies from your standardized testing days, Neufchatel: Cream Cheese :: Gelato : Ice Cream. It also has just a slightly higher moisture content, so in cakes and such, it just makes things a little fluffier. And yes, it’s cheaper, but that’s because it’s less expensive to make, because milk is cheaper than cream – not because it’s the dented-can of cream cheeses.

It’s actually preferable nutritionally, too, as it naturally has less fat (less cream), but actually has more protein (still milk-based v. water added, and milk>cream on protein), and all the same flavor and richness of it’s Fatty McFatterson, Foilwrap Squarepants buddy from West Philadelphia.

Which is a good thing, because we’re making up for it a little with bacon.

Bacon-Gouda “Pimento” Cheese

• 4 oz Gouda Cheese
• 2 oz Cheddar Cheese (Medium or Sharp)
• 2-3 whole Fire Roasted Red Peppers
• 3-4 TBSP crumbled bacon
• 1 oz Neufchatel cheese
• 2 oz Homemade Mayo (recipe follows)
• 3-4 TBSP whole-grain mustard
• 1 TBSP Dijon mustard
• splash Worcestershire sauce
• Salt, Pepper, and Garlic Powder to taste

1. Finely shred both hard cheeses. Lightly mix in large mixing bowl; set aside.
2. Remove the seeds and whiteish, spongy parts from peppers. Cut remaining flesh into strips, then finely chop. Sneak a few pieces, enjoy with eyes closed. Set aside.
3. If using store-bought bacon crumbles, microwave for a hot 20 seconds. (Pun). Sneak a few of these, too. Carpe bacon and such. Set aside.
4. In a small bowl, mash/smear Neufchatel cheese into smaller bits with a spoon (until “mixable”). Add mayo, grainy mustard, Worcestershire and Dijon Mustard, and mix well. Add chopped red peppers and bacon and fold until well mixed.
5. Add about 2/3 of the mayo/pepper mix to the larger bowl of shredded cheese. Combine until well-mixed. Continue adding mayo/pepper mixture until desired consistency is achieved, for taste and/or profanity-free sandwich spreadability. I think of it like dressing a salad – just enough to coat it and hold err’body together. I also prefer my finished product to pass the DQ Blizzard test – I should be able to hold it upside down for a sec and it stay put, or else fall out in one giant, messy, sob-inducing glob; not slide, not drip, and for the love of curds not run.
6. Add a light splash of Worcestershire and dash or two of garlic powder (totally optional). Mix again just until well distributed. Taste, and continue seasoning with Worcestershire, garlic powder, salt and/or pepper until satisfied. Keep refrigerated.

As with most Southern foods and people, this is best if you give it a little time to sit; ideally overnight. Serve with cornbread crackers, tortilla chips, and/or celery and carrots, or spread on a sandwich and toast, then add lettuce and/or tomato as desired.

Homemade Mayo

• 1 TBSP vinegar of choice (I used apple cider)
• 1-2 TBSP lemon juice
• 1-2 tsp salt
• 2 tsp Dijon mustard
• 2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
• 2 egg yolks*
• 1-2 cups canola oil

Whisk together vinegar, lemon juice, salt, mustard, and Worcestershire sauce. Whisk in egg yolks, one at a time, until well-mixed. Verrrrry, verrrry slowly, (as in a few drops at a time to start), add the oil while whisking briskly; if you’re a grownup, you can use a normal wire whisk. If, like me, you have the upper body strength of a praying mantis, and have a hand mixer/powered whisk, now would be an excellent time to break it out.

Continue whisking-and-adding until all oil is added. Continue whisking until your arm falls off, then switch to the other one (or if you’re using a machine, continue whistling and whisking for another 5ish minutes). The final mixture should be the consistency of a thick commercial salad dressing, and holds only the lightest of peaks; but continue whisking (and perhaps adding another egg yolk) if you prefer the more jarred/pudding-like texture.

*obligatory CYA disclaimer that you really, really shouldn’t be eating raw egg yolks that aren’t pasteurized, lest you contract salmonella or a myriad of other disgusting and potentially deadly bacteria – especially if you’re old, sick, or have a lazy/overtaxed immune system.

You can use pasteurized eggs and know you’re home free; or hedge your bets, assume you’re more likely to get food poisoning from the takeout joint with the $5.00 lunch (including tea!) that you frequent at least twice a week, or the cookie dough you eat raw that also has your kids’ germy kid-hand-germs all up in it, and live dangerously with the eggs you’ve got hanging out in your fridge.

If you have no clue what I’m talking about, regarding the eggs/pasteurization/salmonella thing, please google it; and if you’re in the old/sick/etc, camp, just skip this altogether and man up with the Duke’s.